Step-Parents vs. Parents

 On my way to work today I heard the morning talk show hosts on KTIS 98.5 in Minneapolis mention that it was "step-parent day" today. In honor of step-moms and -dads, they were taking calls from listeners about step-parents. My commute was only long enough to hear a few comments, but it was reaffirming to hear young adults give their step-mom or -dad credit for making a positive difference and always being there when they needed them.

The timing is ideal to share a post from The Refine Conference blog about my own feelings as a step-parent:

http://www.therefineconference.com/

 Not Me!

The role of a step-parent is different than a parent; more like walking a tightrope with tiny, cautious steps, not wanting to be too harsh or too easy; attentive to fragile feelings; aware of issues before any danger signs appear on the horizon and the safety net is needed.

When our blended family was still fairly new, we tried our best to entertain all six kids at home. Taking a family of eight to a movie or out to eat was rough on the pocketbook and the satisfaction was short lived. We chose instead to get each child a bicycle, and put up a swing-set play system. Although intended for David, the older kids enjoyed playing with him on it. The trampoline was an instant hit with the entire neighborhood. The kids spent hours on the tramp—spring, summer and fall—taking turns and practicing new stunts. They had the most fun when it was hot enough to jump with the sprinkler underneath. 

           And like all parents, we tried to instill a sense of responsibility to take care of the things we bought them. So I was a bit surprised when a phantom child moved into our house one weekend when all the kids were home. This difficult child showed up at the most inopportune times, and then whoosh! vanished in an instant, hiding his true identity.

“Who left the bicycle in the street?”

“Not me!”

“Who broke the new tennis racket?”

“Not me!”

“Who spilled pop on the carpet?”

“Not me! Not me!”

So there I was, alone with this phantom child while everyone scattered to safety. Unless I knew for sure who-had-done-what, I didn’t want to accuse the wrong child of a misdeed. Many times I found myself cleaning up the mess Not me! had left in his wake.

I finally wised up, realizing I didn’t have to let the kids’ visits be all play time. I created charts for simple household chores, and John brought them to our business and assigned jobs for them.

In the evenings, when things were quiet, I tried to be aware of the kids’ feelings. If one was unusually quiet and needed space, I understood. If another one was eager to share something on their mind, I wanted to take time to listen.

As time went on, the kids offered to pitch in and help with projects, and even asked if they could “work” at the store. Not me! eventually moved out of our house. My guess is he moved in with another unsuspecting family and that was just fine with me.

Live-Write-Thrive! from Author/Editor Susanne Lakin

Back in 2009 when I finished writing "Seeds of Salton" I hired Susanne Lakin from Santa Cruz, California to do a content and copy edit. Nervous about how "critical" her comments might be, she calmed my nerves by displaying a genuine interest in my manuscript right from the start. She connected with the story and really "got" my protaganist. Knowing that, when it came time to read Susanne's edits I was receptive to her words, thankful for the instruction she provided. Her expertise helped me add the missing components and end up with a polished manuscript.  

In 2011 Susanne started a new website, dedicated to helping writers called Live Write Thrive.  Here's what she says: "I love to help writers with their novels. I specialize in thorough annotated critiques, so if you have a manuscript that needs some work or you’re not sure if it does, check out my site specifically dedicated to my critique services. You’ll find a lot of informative articles on why you might need a critique and how to choose the right editor for your needs."

If anyone out there is in need of a good editor, I would highly recommend Susanne...I'm just saying!  This month I'm honored to have my writing journey featured on her client page at www.LiveWriteThrive.com.

THE HIDDEN HERITAGE JOURNEY

My writing journey began in a most unexpected way, what some might call a chance encounter. On a family vacation in the Black Hills of South Dakota one summer we happened upon a Native American band playing in the tourist town of Deadwood. The music from Brulé, a small, upcoming band of three, was as captivating as the surrounding landscape. Their distinct sound initially caught my attention—the hauntingly beautiful mix of flute, keyboard, and traditional drum they are now famous for. Listening one could immediately sense something deeper at the heart of it. Sure enough, in reading about Paul LaRoche, the band’s founder, I found his life story equally captivating.

All the way back to Minneapolis I heard a voice, You should write a book about this man…
But before I reached home a flurry of doubts drowned out the voice, telling me I had no connection to Paul LaRoche, a complete stranger. I wasn’t Native American or adopted, and furthermore I didn’t have any writing credentials. The loudest doubt pushed through time and time again: You’re not a real writer; you’ve never even been published! Yet each time I listed to Paul’s unique music, the voice returned.

Three years passed before I dispelled the doubts and found the courage to respond…and as soon as I did, an amazing journey began. First came an article about Paul, published in a regional magazine. Next came the book, a project that took three years to complete. Hidden Heritage: The Story of Paul LaRoche was released in 2006. That summer Paul invited me to join him at several Brulé events. None was more moving than at Mount Rushmore National Monument. I stood on the park’s plaza, the majestic granite monument in the backdrop, the beautiful Brulé music playing in the mountain air, signing books alongside Paul. It was a moment I never could have imagined seven years earlier on Main Street Deadwood. I had only a few moments to listen as Paul played. We didn’t even speak. Yet God intertwined our otherwise separate lives and gave us a connected purpose, a purpose that didn’t end there.

While writing Hidden Heritage I discovered Paul’s great-great-great grandfather, a Yankton chief named Strikes the Ree (1804-1888), was an important figure in American history. In 1804 Lewis and Clark were camped at Calumet Bluff when word came that a baby had just been born. The famed explorers wrapped the infant in a flag and declared that he would someday be a great American citizen. Their prophecy indeed came true. Strikes the Ree was a great leader among his people and played a significant role as a peacemaker during the Great Sioux Uprising. During his life he traveled to Washington DC and received peace medals from three US presidents. Worthy of an epic tale, I’ve since learned the great burdens the chief bore during the years of cession and settlement on the Northern Plains have largely been overlooked by historians.

Long after I finished Paul’s book, Strike the Ree’s story called out to me time and time again. A few weeks ago I read a post from author/speaker Page Lambert titled “Write Brave, Write Epic”. Her words challenged me: Be brave. Write the BIG story. Be fearless in your belief that yes, we can set aside our smallness and our frailties and reach for that deeper part of ourselves that knows there are GREAT TRUTHS in this world, and it is these truths about which we must write.

I believe the Hidden Heritage journey has led to this important, historical book. God has equipped me—through all that’s happened since I stood on that crowded sidewalk in Deadwood thirteen years ago—to write this epic novel and I can move forward with confidence. Chance encounter? Hardly. Every step declares it is God’s divine plan, a journey that is far over.

My character, my very nature is to go about life in small, cautious and predictable steps. I'm a planner, an organizer. I follow rules. So when I started writing, I continued in that manner, the old "write what you know" concept, writing little stories from my hometown in Northern Minnesota. Then one day I heard a radio broadcast from Bible teacher Chuck Swindoll that challenged me to think in a new way. His words struck a chord with me and I wrote them in my Bible: "Break me free from the limitations and expectations surrounding me. A spiritual life is lived with gracious uncertainty and breathless expectation. Yes, Lord--take me on an adventure!"

Funny, as I continued to read those words, I began to believe them...sensing something exciting on the horizon. Next thing I knew I was on a Native American reservation in the middle of South Dakota doing research for "Hidden Heritage", my first book.

And that was just the beginning...

Let the adventure continue, Lord!
Barbara

To see more about Page Lambert or Susanne Lakin, please visit their websites. These are two ladies that I really respect and admire!
www.PageLambert.com
www.LiveWriteThrive.com or www.cslakin.com

Each month as I prepare to write my "blended family" post for the Refine Conference website, I find I need to pull out my old photo albums. Looking through the pages of our family pictures brings me back to that time and place, in this instance, the news of a baby on the way. The first two years of our marriage brought a barrage of changes, both physical moves and as a family unit. We prayed through those changes, one by one, until we settled in a new suburb and opened a business, putting down roots in a community where we hoped to stay.

As it turned out, we did stay, 22 years now and holding. Here's how it all began:

And Baby Makes Eight

 

The first year of our marriage brought a period of transitions, including multiple moves to different homes and jobs. Our new family included five children from previous marriages. John had shared visitation of his two daughters and son, and I had full custody of my daughters since their dad lived out-of-state.

From the first time our kids met they seemed to connect with each other, especially the four girls who quickly paired up by age. The two older girls were only seven months apart, and the younger two only four months. John Ryan, the only boy, was a good sport and played along with whoever let him! Many times all five played together, making up plays they would practice for hours on end and then “perform” for us.

When it was all said and done, John and I opened a business in a suburb on the outer edge of Minneapolis, while his kids moved with their mom to the opposite side of the metro area. Because of the 40-mile distance, their visits dropped from twice a week to twice a month. My girls looked forward to the kids’ visits; it was like having their best friends come for sleepovers every other weekend.

Moving to a new community gave John and me an unexpected fresh start. The people we met through our new business and in church only knew us as a couple, rather than with our former spouses. It further cemented our newly formed foundation, uniting us as one. As we got involved in the community, people commented on how much my daughter looked “exactly like John” or that one of my girls and one of his “must be sisters”. The more it happened, the more the kids learned to have fun with it.

In the midst of all these changes I learned I was pregnant. Our new house—we believe handpicked by God—was perfect for a family of eight, with plenty of bedroom space! When David was born, he became the instant center of attention. With big brown eyes and an infectious smile, David’s presence filled the house with the kind of joy only a baby can bring
.

The four girls loved helping out with David, and John Ryan was thrilled to have a brother. John and I continued to find ways to make memories as a family. Twins games, weekend getaways, even simple dinners around the table were cause for fun. The bond that had formed between the kids now included the baby brother they all adored.

____________________________________________________________________

Written by speaker: Barbara Marshak

Connect: Facebook| blog

Barbara is a freelance writer with over 150 published stories and articles. She will be speaking to us about the twists and turns along the blissful road of relationships within blended families.

 

As I shared in another post, I've been asked to speak at a woman's conference in Minneapolis this September. The REFINE Conference invites women to "Come as you are...and take your next steps with purpose". Topics include Financial, Relationships, Emotional, Spiritual, Health/Wellness, and Professional. My topic is under the Relationship category on Blended Families, a topic near and dear to my heart.

I've outlined 8 key points to share in my breakout session, the first being Adjustments with a Capital A! Ah, yes...as you can imagine, there were a few of those! The bonding that took place between our five kids in the first year of our marriage, however, was a blessing that far exceeded our expectations. Here's a little story that explains my own lesson that first year.


From the Refine Conference Website: http://www.therefineconference.com/2012/02/17/the-bedroom-lesson/

The Bedroom Lesson

February 17, 2012

When my husband and I married in 1988 we brought together five kids between the ages of six and ten. Considering that fact alone, common sense would say we should have entered marriage only after much planning. That was not the case.

John & Barbara, circa 1988

John and I met on August 20^th, but we lived three hours apart. Our first “date” happened two weeks later when I traveled from northern Minnesota to Minneapolis with my two daughters for a Twins game. By Thanksgiving we were married. Yup, do the math…a three-month courtship with five kids in tow.

I sold my house—an older Tudor with four spacious bedrooms—and moved into John’s two-bedroom suburban shoebox. My furniture ended up stacked to the ceiling in the garage and unfinished lower level. It also meant all five kids had to share a bedroom. It bugged me because I had three beds in the garage, but no room for them! Meanwhile the kids alternated; two in the bed, three on the floor.
John asked his brother to finish the lower level, which would add a family room and bedroom. “How long?” I asked, noting the sleeping bags on the floor.

        “Three months, I promise.”

Unfortunately John’s brother was in no rush. Three months passed and the studs were up. “Can you tell your brother we really need that bedroom? The kids deserve to sleep on a bed, not the floor!”
His brother showed up for several days and then disappeared for weeks. Meanwhile, my frustrations grew as I tried to make the small house feel like a home. Three more months passed, then six. Although not a handyman, John helped to hurry the process while I painted and sewed curtains.
Finally, the lower level was finished. I was ecstatic! I arranged furniture, put on bedding, hung pictures. The bedroom was perfect!
That evening I told the kids they could divide up however they wished, three in one room, two in the other. A short time later we heard giggles coming from downstairs. John and I went down to say nightly prayers. We opened the door and there were the kids, two on the bed, three on the floor.

           

“Why are you all in here?” I asked.

           

“We like it this way,” came their voices.

           

“Yeah! Can we stay together?”

I held my breath thinking, “No! I waited all year for a proper place for you to sleep!” And then my heart took over, “There is a bond forming…something far more important. Rejoice and be thankful.”

The kids all grown up!

Barbara & John today

NOTE: The full story, In Harmony, appeared in Guideposts, May 2004.

Blessings,
Barbara

New Year; New Opportunities

It’s amazing to look back over the past year and see all that transpired in the time the earth made its journey around the sun. Discovering that I could start and finish a full book in five months was a great confidence booster for me as a writer. Last January I was just starting Michigan & Rookie: Guardians of the Night, and now I have the reward of receiving reader comments, payoff for those long hours at the computer:

“I just finished this most exceptional book. Each and every page captured the heart, soul, and purpose of an amazing police officer and his K9 partner.” Christine S.

“This is the best book I’ve read in a long time…a true story about a courageous man and his K9 partner serving our community and nation.” Roxanne A.

“What a fabulous story for any American to read!” Amanda E.

As I look ahead to 2012 I can only wonder what this year has in store.

ü Possible opportunities to collaborate with Paul LaRoche and continue the Hidden Heritage journey

ü New writing projects

ü Finding agent representation for Seeds of Salton

ü New speaking opportunities

ü More marketing and promotional events with Joaquin Guerrero for Michigan & Rookie

ü Expand my new photography line called Sundance Imagery

Here’s a cool thing that happened the last week of December when I ran an errand with my son to the local Office Max. Upon seeing they were running a one-day special on color enlargements, I hurried home and grabbed my jump-drive. I asked the young gal working in the copy center to make 11x14s of each photo.

As the pictures began printing, the gal said, “Wow, these are really amazing.”

Being a fledgling photographer I was touched by her compliment and said, “Thank you.”

“Do you teach?” she asked, still studying the photos.

I thought, what—am I dressed like a teacher or something? Not knowing what she meant, I said, “Huh?”

“Do you teach photography?”

OH… that’s what she meant!!!

 I told her I’d never even taken a photography class, let alone taught one, and said, “You just made my day!” Turns out she had a Graphic Arts/Photography degree, so that made her comments all the more meaningful. I hope to bring my Sundance Imagery collection to a couple art shows this year and see what kind of interest they generate.

Many of my writer friends have good things happening in 2012 as well:

• Author Julie Saffrin’s new book, BlessBack: Thank Those Who Shaped Your Life is in the galley stage and will be released in March. This is a delightful and possible life-changing book on the impact one can make by reflecting back and thanking someone who influenced their life along the way. www.BlessBack.com

• Author/Speaker Joy DeKok released her new book on Amazon, today as a matter of fact! Your Life a Legacy: Explore and Record the Times of Your Life is full of ideas and information for people who want to turn their lives into written legacies.  www.JoyDeKok.com

• Author/Editor Susanne Lakin is a virtual writing machine these days. She released four books in 2011, and has plans for two more in 2012—so far! Fans of her Gates of Heaven fantasy series can look forward to books #4 The Unraveling of Wentwater and #5 The Crystal Scepter in 2012. You can find all her books at www.cslakin.com  Susanne also has a new blog for writers: www.LiveWriteThrive.com with insight, inspiration and practical advice for writers.

• I’ve also been asked to speak at a wonderful women’s conference coming to Minneapolis, September 21-22, 2012. The Refine Conference—Come as You Are invites women seeking to REFINE their lives emotionally, spiritually, financially, professionally, in health and wellness and in relationships to attend. I’ll be speaking on blended families in one of the breakout “relationship” sessions. Married 22 years to my hubby, along with six kids in the “yours, mine, and ours” categories, it’s my heart’s desire for people to know blended families can and do work.  www.TheRefineConference.com

Looking forward to all the opportunities this year will bring!

Barbara

Travels and Trails

With the release of Michigan and Rookie in September, I’ve been fortunate to participate in a number of book events. Of course traveling means giving up time at home and falling behind on things…like, well, my blog. After the official book launch at Indian Summer in Milwaukee, my next destination took me westward, to the South Dakota Festival of Books in Deadwood, SD.

I considered this invitation a real honor, knowing the level of distinguished authors and cultural figures in attendance, including 2011 keynote speaker/author, Joseph Marshall, III. The three-day event kicked off with an author reception at the historic Deadwood Public Library, with wine and appetizers, a chance to mingle and get to know others.

Deadwood Public Library

It was there I met Cathy A. Smith, an artist who crafted the traditional regalia for Hollywood’s biggest westerns such as Dances With Wolves, Last of the Mohicans, Son of Morning Star, Geronimo, and many more. Her power-point presentation was filled with photos of her work, authentic replicas of regalia from different time periods and native tribes. She shared stories of having to make six identical regalia pieces for each of the main characters in Dances With Wolves. She also made a replica of Crazy Horse’s warrior shirt for the cover of Joseph Marshall’s book, The Journey of Crazy Horse.

The imagery of her work captivated me completely! I absorbed every detail, fascinated with her stories and beautiful artistry. If you have any interest in period pieces of Native American regalia, you’ll want to go to her website and check out her amazing collection: http://www.cathyasmith.com/collections.html

Friday and Saturday were filled with all kinds of events. The festival was spread out among several historic sites in downtown Deadwood, such as the Franklin Hotel, Masonic Temple, and Deadwood Pavilion. My presentation, “The Hidden Heritage Journey”, was at the Franklin Hotel on Main Street…apropos since the journey in fact started on Main Street Deadwood in 1999. (See post from Sept 29, 2011 for the remarkable details!)

I also shared the podium with Minnesota author Colleen Baldrica for a workshop titled “Seeking Heritage – Where Literature and Identity Intersect” in the upstairs meeting rooms of the Masonic Temple, an imposing building on the corner of Main Street.

All the authors gathered at the Deadwood Pavilion for two mass book signings where I ran into several friends and family of Paul LaRoche, and my friend, Wyoming poet Patricia Frolander.

Saturday’s events culminated with a delicious dinner and Joseph Marshall’s address at Deadwood Mountain Grand, a new hotel/casino event center being converted from the former slime plant of the Homestake Gold Mine.

The hubby and I stayed at The Lodge at Deadwood, another beautiful new hotel/casino on the edge of town, right across from Tatanka, Kevin Costner’s museum. Our room was on the fourth floor, so unless we were carrying boxes of books, we took the stairs and by the end of our sixth day, we could really feel those leg muscles toning up!

 As always, the hubby and I enjoyed our time in Paha Sapa, the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota. We stayed an extra day to hit a few of our favorite spots: Rico’s in Hill City so the hubby could have tamales; Moonshine Gulch in tiny Rochford so we could have the best-ever cheeseburgers; Sundance, Wyoming…my dream home; and a stop at the Devils Tower National Monument, the very place I enjoyed a full week as a guest of the monument when I won a writer’s residency in 2008. We walked the Joyner Ridge Trail in the late afternoon, just as a full moon rose behind the tower, the perfect end to our stay in the hills.

Two weeks later I traveled to Elbow Lake, a tiny prairie town in western Minnesota for a meeting with a local writers group, followed with a presentation to a small but intimate group of ladies at the Thorson Memorial Library.

Last, but not least, I hopped a flight to Michigan for the Novi Pet Expo on the north side of Detroit. I hooked up with Joaquin and Rookie for three full days at the Suburban Showplace Convention Center (Suburban as in GMC and the SUV, ‘cuz in Detroit, all things good connect to the car industry!) where we met a number of dog lovers and new fans of the book.

And now the traveling is done and it's time to enjoy "home and holidays!"

Barbara

Michigan & Rookie--On the Move!

It’s been a crazy-busy fall with book events scheduled in Minnesota, Michigan, and South Dakota. I’ll start with a few highlights from Joaquin’s visit to Minnesota in October, sort of a whirlwind weekend with three funfilled events packed into two days!

Ironworks – Men’s Ministry (Friday morning-6:30 am!) at Berean Baptist Church in Burnsville. The men's group is studying The Micah Project, based on the verse, Micah 6:8. As Pastor Roger Thompson shared with the men in attendance, Joaquin’s story and 22-year career in law enforcement tied in perfectly with their theme of justice in today’s world.

Minnesota Book Club with host Sandy Beaudette, Friday evening at 7pm:

This was the same delightful group of book lovers that had read Hidden Heritage this summer and invited me to their meeting in June, so in a way it was like spending the evening with old friends. When Joaquin and I (and Rookie!) arrived at the Beaudette’s, delicious smells emanated from the house immediately luring us inside. Sandy put out a wonderful spread of nummy creations…appetizers, salads, daughter Jennifer’s  delicious pico de gallo, scrumptious sandwiches, topped off with homemade apple crisp for dessert.



The evening was especially fun because everyone had already read Michigan & Rookie so they had lots of questions, wanting to know more about Joaquin’s stirring story. A few of the husbands even stayed, equally eager to hear Joaquin share more of the details. And in this more intimate setting, Joaquin was able to open up about some of the things we weren’t able to include in the book.

 And like everywhere we go, Rookie pretty much stole the show. His beautiful coloring, incredibly soft fur, and easy-going temperament (unless ordered otherwise!) draw people to him like a magnet.

 A big thank you to Sandy and Jennifer for hosting such a warm and wonderful evening!

Book signing at Barnes & Noble, Saturday afternoon at 1 pm:

Our last event of the weekend was a book signing at the Apple Valley Barnes & Noble Bookstore. Not sure how many to expect, John and Joaquin commandeered a big table near the windows (instead of the end-table and single chair set in the aisle), which turned out to be a smart move. We had a nice-sized crowd of friends and family who took time out of their busy Saturday to join us. The windowed corner gave us plenty of room, and the beautiful October sunshine made the perfect backdrop to our afternoon presentation!

So far book sales (and book reviews!) have exceeded our expectation. We really appreciate everyone who has supported us by coming out to one of our events. It’s especially fulfilling when people tell us they are buying the book as a gift for someone special in their life. More than anything, we love hearing how the book has touched those who have read it.

All for now,

Barbara